Frequently Asked Questions

What is Swinging?

Swinging is a form of recreational social sex between consenting adults, most commonly consisting of male/female couples meeting other male/female couples for sex and/or ongoing intimate friendships.

Swinging (otherwise known as "the lifestyle") can take a variety of different forms. Although single women are generally welcome at swinging events, the degree to which single men are accepted varies from club to club. Although female bisexuality is generally accepted in the swinging community, the degree to which male bisexuality is accepted also varies from club to club. Swing clubs can be "on-premises" (which means that one may interact sexually with others at that event) or "off-premises" (which means that one would generally go back to the home or hotel room of other couples for sex, after deciding to do so at the event). Newspapers and magazines which carry personal ads for swingers also exist, and to a slightly lesser degree these publications may also be considered an aspect of "the lifestyle." Swingers have traditionally been largely middle class and tend to blend in quite easily with the general population in terms of appearance and ideology.

What Might I Like About Swinging?

People may be attracted to the swinging community for a variety of different reasons. Many couples find the thought of having sex with other people to be very arousing, and may find that swinging becomes a catalyst for improving their own sex lives and relationship. Some people may feel stifled by repressive societal attitudes towards sexuality, and may welcome the opportunity to form friendships and a new social network with people of like mind. Others may simply feel that sex should be a natural possibility in any friendship in which there is mutual attraction, and so appreciate the relative open-mindedness and pleasure-positivity with which the swinging community views this subject. Although the swinging community is unfortunately not always the best place right now for hetero-identified men to explore their potential bisexuality, it is currently a relatively good place for hat-identified women to initially explore sex with other women, and this sometimes plays a role in couples choosing to seek it out.

Some women may find the swinging community to be a welcome dose of sanity. Our culture can be quite cruel to women who have an active interest in sex, often derisively labeling them "sluts" - a term which stands in sharp contrast to the less derogatory term for men, "studs". The swinging community may be especially attractive to these women, who may feel their sex drives and/or sexual assertiveness should be appreciated rather than snickered about or reviled.

Some people end up learning quite a bit about themselves and their sexualities through swinging. For example, most folks find that having their partner actively enjoy and appreciate what they are experiencing during sex to be a tremendous turn-on; this is a realization which may stand in sharp contrast to the attitude that "performance" is all-important. Swinging can be an opportunity to learn to relax and appreciate sexual pleasure, and may help one view sex more as a source of pleasure and intimacy and less as a social bargaining chip or ego fuel

Although this may vary slightly from club to club, in general the swinging community is quite accepting of a variety of body types, sizes, ages, and shapes. Additionally, many on-premises events provide an opportunity to dress sexily or go completely nude, which can be a fun and sensual experience in and of itself.

What Might I Dislike About Swinging?

If you are uncomfortable with people being sexually attracted to you and/or flirting with you, then you might be uncomfortable at swinging events; similarly, if your relationship with your partner is on shaky ground, you might find seeing him or her flirt or be flirted with to be an uncomfortable experience. If either of you have hidden agendas concerning finding a permanent "replacement" for each other, you're probably in for a major emotional disaster. If you and your partner cannot communicate directly about relationships and sex, you're probably eventually in for a similarly-sized disaster. In general, sex can provoke strong feelings along with its many pleasures; if you aren't comfortable dealing with emotions, then perhaps it might be better to wait a little while before exploring "the lifestyle."

If you are bothered by seeing people have sex without condoms, then you might want to avoid some of the larger play areas in many on-premises swinger's events. Although I have never run into a situation in the swinging community where my requests to use latex were looked down on in any way, it is certainly true that not all on-premises clubs require the use of safer sex precautions. Depending on your experience with sex-positive communities other than swinging, seeing others not use latex may be unsettling to you. You should know what your own standards are with regard to safer sex, and be willing to articulate them to new people or couples you are about to have sex with. If your personal safer sex standards include using barriers for cunnilingus, then you should be prepared to do some explaining as not everyone will be familiar with this practice.

If you are a single male, you might actually be better off waiting until you are in a suitable relationship before attempting to become active in swinging - most swing clubs allow few if any single men to attend their events.

General Hints for Enjoyable Swinging

In the context of swinging, "couples" need not be married. They should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others' emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a "couple." The general rule of thumb is that swinging works best when couples view swinging as an enhancement to their existing sexual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one.

As one would expect, good communication is critical in any attempt at swinging as a couple. There are many, many different forms that swinging may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why. Sex has the potential to be an emotionally-charged area, and the pleasures that may be found in swinging can generally be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others' needs, and put their partner's comfort first. From a more pragmatic point of view, there will always be another party, another personal ad, another dance, another convention; there may not be another chance to salvage an exploration into swinging if one partner becomes overwhelmed in "the garden of delights" and forgets to treat his or her primary partner with sensitivity and respect.

It's important to keep in mind that swinging is primarily a SOCIAL activity. The ordinary social customs of meeting people and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other type of social gathering, and the process by which acquaintances become close friends is not that different either. The key social traits that tend to be appreciated in the swinging community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness, open-mindedness, and most importantly stability with regard to one's primary relationship.

As is the case with almost all human social endeavors, if you already know people in a particular community you'll probably be happier if you attend your first few events with these people so they can introduce you to others. Waiting a little while and watching how others behave is also a good idea, as it is in almost any new social situation. Common courtesy, of course, is as welcome in the swinging community as it is in any other community; we're all just people, after all.

There are several different styles of swinging which you may see in the swinging community. Some people may prefer not to be around when their partner is having sex with someone else ("closed swinging"), while others may insist on it ("open swinging"). The term "soft swinging" refers to trading partners just for the purposes of heavy petting and then switching back to one's primary partner for any actual sex. It might be valuable for you to think about whether there are any potential situations that you feel you would be more or less comfortable in, and discuss these with your partner.

Although not all couples find it necessary to do this, some couples feel more comfortable having social "codes" that only the two of them know. Examples might be discreet phrases or gestures which mean a) one of you is attracted to the people or person he or she is talking to and wants to know if you are interested in swinging with them, b) a reply to the above, either affirmatively or negatively, and c) one of you is not having a good time and wants to get away from things for a while.

At off-premises events such as dances, it's common for people to dress up or else wear fairly sexy clothing. Dress at on-premises events tends to be more casual, since nudity is a common outcome of the evening for many. At on-premises clubs it's a good idea to bring something like a robe so you don't have to put all your clothes back on after sex, and to avoid wearing lots of jewelry that might get lost. If there's a dress theme for a particular event, go with the theme.

By the way, it is not necessary to actually have sex with other people to have a good time in the swinging community. Off-premises activities such as dances can provide a wonderful opportunity to flirt and be flirted with in a non-threatening yet sexually-charged atmosphere, which can be fun in and of itself. On-premises activities can provide an opportunity to appreciate the sights and sounds of sex as an enhancement to sex with your primary partner, whether you two decide to have sex at the party or after the party.

More Advanced

Swing Etiquette

The swing community has been booming in the 90's as more and more couples decide to relax their inhibitions and explore their sexuality. However, as with all social experiences, there are some definite DO's and DON'TS. A little common courtesy goes a long way to smoothing what can be, at times, (especially for beginners) a slightly awkward experience.

BE YOURSELF

People are interested in YOU, so relax and be yourself. This doesn't mean you should be a jerk and disrespect others, it means you should "let your hair down." Also, whether or not you're interested in swinging with someone or a couple in particular, remember to always be polite. You may have other things in common and develop quite a friendship despite your initial reaction. In swinging, as in the rest of life, our relationships can change with people over time and through them you might meet someone with whom you wish to be intimate.

BE COURTEOUS

The lifestyle can raise certain, valid insecurities, uncertainties and fears. You're not always going to find people that share the exact same views that you do. Always try to be aware of other people's comfort levels, especially your partner. In a group party situation, a friendly "hello" can work wonders to ease someone's discomfort, and if you find that your interests are in different directions, or any attractions aren't mutual, remember to remain polite, as you would certainly wish to be treated. When meeting a potential swing partner one-on-one (or two-on-two, or two-on-one as the case may be) the same applies: be polite, even if you don't think there's any potential for intimacy, you could still have a great time anyways. Keep an open mind.

DON'T PUSH

Remember, "no" means "no." Anyone has the right to refuse your advances as you have the right to refuse theirs. Don't expect or ask for any explanation, in this lifestyle an initial "no" will seldom change to "yes" no matter how much persuasion you apply. Not everyone will match perfectly and an improperly handled situation can result in hurt feelings. If there's someone that you would like to swing with, let them know in a friendly manner and accept their response -- whatever it may be. If they change their mind, they'll let you know.

PRACTICE SAFE SEX

Practicing safe sex is, of course, a person's choice. But it's a very important choice -- this is the 90's after all. Anyone's decision to use condoms should be politely accepted. Anyone not willing to accept this decision is acting irresponsibly and disrespectfully. If someone's willing to be intimate with you, you owe them the simple courtesy of respecting their comfort level.

ENJOY YOURSELF!!

Swinging is about having a good time. Live some fantasies, explore your sexuality and enjoy! This lifestyle has plenty to offer with clothes on as well as off. Approach it with a positive attitude and a sense of humor.

The Rules of Swinging

The Golden Rule:  "NO, Thanks", means NO!  Anyone (yourself included) may say no at any time for any reason, without further explanation.  If you're in a situation that makes you uncomfortable Just Say No!  Don't jeopardize your joy and satisfaction with the life-style - or that of your partner, by doing anything against your will.  Don't submit to guilt or pressure.  Swinging is fun.  Keep it that way.  Disentangle yourself as quickly as possible with a firm, but gentle response.  Be honest, but up-front, in order to avoid misunderstandings.

Always be kind.  First and foremost.  it's the proper, humane way to behave.  Secondly, you may reconsider and want to party later.  Keep your options open.

Everyone has been rejected at some time.  If you're rejected do NOT take personal offense.  Keep the encounter upbeat and light.  Who knows?  The person who passes up the opportunity today, may want to swing with you tomorrow, or may be the key to you meeting another terrific partner!

Know your own likes, dislikes, boundaries and strengths, thoroughly.  Encourage and aid others in their own explorations.  Keep relationships friendly and pleasant.  Always propose, never impose!  Swingers feel their way through encounters in more than one way.  Open all channels of communication.

Deal with jealousy head-on!  It's a normal, human reaction.  Learn what triggers jealousy in yourself and in your partner.  Then work things out.  This may mean modifying certain activities, curtailing others or finding new means of sexual expression.  Festering jealousies

©2001 Swing2play.com